How do you speak to children about the war in Ukraine?
Psychologists, psychiatrists and teachers have shared their advice about how parents and those looking after children should speak about the war in Ukraine. Their tips include what words and phrases to use and the ones you should avoid using as well as other techniques that can help children process the distressing news.
Russia’s devastating invasion of Ukraine has meant that our television screens, social media feeds and discussions at work and at school are dominated by the terrible images of families fleeing the conflict and videos from the frontline.
No matter whether you are a parent or work in a household staff position and are looking after children, it can be difficult to know how to discuss such a sensitive topic. An article on the Mail Online asked a team of psychologists, psychiatrists and teachers from across the UK for their advice on how to broach the subject with children.
Firstly, you need to decide whether it’s right to speak to your children about Ukraine as many people believe you should discuss the topic with children so they understand what is happening, while others feel that you should only approach the topic if you are asked. Below we share some of the advice that was given by these professionals for anyone that decides to talk to their children about the war.
Ask children what they know
In the article, Martin Foster, who is a child psychologist at medical app Livi, said: “It's usually best to let your child ask questions, rather than you reporting the facts to them.”
Children may have heard things about the conflict from their friends, seen something on social media or discussed the topic at school. Asking questions such as ‘have you heard anything about Ukraine at school’ will give you an idea about how much they know so you can discuss the topic with them.
Jade McLellan, deputy head of pastoral at St Dunstan's College, adds: “For older children and teenagers, perhaps ask if they are discussing it amongst their friends and how everybody is feeling, or suggest that as a family you agree on a plan for how you would like to show support for Ukraine.”
Consider children’s past experiences of conflict
Children come from different backgrounds and have different perspectives and child psychologist Mr Foster explains that a child who has previously experienced war will likely feel different to a child who hasn’t experienced it.
He says: “Adults should do their best to give the child the level of reassurance they need. But don't assume that your child feels scared just because you do.”
Look at a map
Placing the situation into context for older children is something that Gifty Enright, author of bestselling parenting book Octopus on a Treadmill, suggests doing. She recommends taking out a map and looking at where Ukraine and Russia are located and discussing the history of the two countries.
Consider the message you want to share
Dr Anna Colton, clinical psychologist and hypnotherapist working with Employees Matter, said you need to work out what it is you want the children to understand, for example, do you want to speak to them to reassure them that they are safe in the UK, the importance of democracy etc.
Use the right words and phrases
In the article it reveals some of the words and phrases you should use:
· 'I feel scared when the press mentions that too but I am remembering that in this moment we are safe'
· 'We don't know the future of anything, but we can appreciate our current present.'
· 'There is a war in Ukraine. It's a long way away and you're safe here.'
· 'Sometimes grown-ups get in fights every now and then and need someone to negotiate. Sometimes instead of grown-ups, you get two countries fighting.'
Words that should be avoided
Dr McClymont told the Mail Online that there are words and phrases which should be avoided and we’ve listed the ones she recommended not to say below:
· 'Don't talk about that'
· 'It's Russia's fault'
· 'Don't be scared' – It is ok for children to be scared, but just ease their worries and avoid discussing a nuclear threat or bringing up civilian casualties.
Watch age-appropriate news
Adult news coverage can become more harrowing and Mrs McLellan suggested avoiding live footage that can be shown on mainstream broadcasters unless you have older teenagers who can cope with it. First News and Newsround both offer age-appropriate news.
Encourage children to talk about their fears
Dr Jeri Tikare, a clinical psychologist at Kooth, told the Mail Online, “I know that life can be hard and busy and sometimes children are aware of this and might not want to disturb you.
“Therefore, it might be helpful to make a conscious effort to let them know that you are mindful of how difficult it can be and reassure them that you are available to talk about things.”
Create a feelings box
Another suggestion was to create a feelings box as this allows children to express their emotions in a variety of ways such as drawing, writing, telling stories, creating songs and lots more. Dr Tikare added that it might also be worth introducing children to some relaxation techniques such as taking three deep, slow breaths, breathing in for a count of three and out for three.
Other things to consider
Some of the other suggestions in the article that we have not listed above included:
· Consider switching off the TV – Some children may become overwhelmed by anxiety, and it might be best to avoid talking about the war.
· Be wary of TikTok – You should be extra vigilant of what children can see as there is a lot of unfiltered live coverage of the war being posted on TikTok.
· Discuss where news comes from – Have a discussion with teenagers about the importance of understanding the ‘source’ of news rather than just news.
· Do not burden your child with your anxiety – Be aware of your own reactions as primary caregivers as children can pick up anxieties and worries displayed by you.
· Look out for symptoms of stress – Be mindful of symptoms of stress such as headaches, changes to appetite, difficulties sleeping etc. Hearing about the war can mean children don’t want to go to school or go outside the house, so encourage them to stay active.
· Teach children compassion and how to help victims – Russia’s invasion of Ukraine can also be an opportunity to teach children about compassion as you can consider gathering old toys and clothes and dropping them off at a charity shop or donation centre.
Here at Beauchamp Partners, we are a highly regarded nanny agency in London and are regularly advertising new positions in this area. If you want to hire a new nanny, then get in touch with us.
For more news, tips, and advice, make sure to visit our news page.